Candy Man

 "Music is my mistress," Duke Ellington said, and with equal conviction I say "Sugar is my Sancho". 

That sneaky bastard has found a way into my life when I need him the least. I'm trying to develop a baby here, trying to be a good wife. But he finds his way back in.

 Every day I say to myself, it's over. We're through. He's in my thoughts when I wake up, often has been in my thoughts and dreams throughout the night. I move through my day telling myself it's day one of "recovery". We are over. 

 Then, he calls. Today for example, on an honest errand at the mall, how did he even find me? "Hey, I'm at the Sweet Shack, meet me there for a minute. Your husband's not around, we can just talk." The next thing I know I'm walking around Nordsrtom's sneaking Sweet Tarts out of my bag into my mouth jealously guarding my bag full of lollipops and mega dum-dums. Damn you, Sugar. 

 As I recover (that means pass out on the couch from a sugar crash) I sluggishly remember all the nastiness that comes with sugar consumption, besides fat, the headaches and for me anxiety,  nausea and even mild depression. Why can't I remember that before I candy myself into sickness. I'll tell you why, it's because sugar- with a voice much like Antonio Banderas- says, "This time will be different, Bunny, I won't hurt you. Look how sweet, imagine ze flavor...."

 And just like an affair I'm hiding all evidence from my husband before he gets home. Oh shame. Oh huge box of cereal I just bought. Oh fruit roll-ups.

Oh Pregnancy! I never liked candy before! 

Review of Stephen King and Bing via text.

True life texts between me and one of my fav's peoples. My fav to text for sure. Shows what I really think. Enjoy!

Life List May 2014

Life List  May 2014

Upcoming:

• Mother's Day 11th
• Memorial Day 26th
• Wedding! 25th

To Do's:

• Plan wedding trip
• Write toast!
• Send mom's day cards and gifts 

Baby Do's:

• Read books 
• Registries

Excited for:

• My First Mother's day! (someone already sent me a gift!)
• My first Social Bliss Style Box! Whoo! I need a purse so bad and they always come with one
• The wedding! Not mine, I'm a bridesmaid. 
• Making a special trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/billy_wilson/4626461217/">Billy Wilson Photography</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

On Turning 30

I tried to hide, I tried to lie, I finally accepted it was coming, and that I would probably die.

The last night of my 29th year found me moping, sad, dreading. Dreams full of liquor stores that don't ask ID and anti aging creams made from youthful virgins. 

So in the morning when I woke on the dawn of my 30s, I was.... well, fine. Happy. Relieved. I'm 30. Thank God that 20s mess is over.

 Now I'm here, there's no stopping it or dreading it and hey, I'm early thirties. For so long I've been LATE TWENTIES. Now I"m back in 'early camp'. Nice. I'm a baby. 

I instantly felt more confident. My life is no longer "an open road of possibilities, wondering what path I will take and where life will lead me". Now I kind of know. I've made a lot of those decisions, gone down paths. I'm at the point of living my life rather than thinking about it how it should go. Kinda like, I went to the nursery, chose the seeds and bulbs and starters, that's all done, no longer fussing over 'should I buy a banana tree or a tomato plant?' I've already chosen. I've already planted. Time to watch 'em grow.

They say you mature a lot and learn yourself when you turn 30. I did *not think* that literally happened in the midnight hours between 29 and 30.

Embrace the 30. I'm so cool with it, I"m not even scared of 40 anymore.

You? What was your BIG NUMBER? How do you feel about it?

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/zenat_el3ain/3621625591/">Aih.</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/">cc</a>

Kimonos and pregnancy

Good morning and hi. I am just getting my head cleared. Here's the thing about pregnancy, I feel like someone is inside me, but they are poisonous to the rest of me.I am fatter and super super bloated. I actually had a dream last night that I was wearing some old world Japanese ceremonial robe and begging my friend if I could wear it to her wedding because it was the only thing I had that would fit. And I'm not even showing yet! Or if I am I can't tell, I've developed an insulation layer and with the bloating, my true shape is anyone's guess.

Never thought I'd be the person all negative and complainy about pregnancy. I mean, if I was ever going to be pregnant that meant I was damn sure I wanted to be and thus I was going to appreciate all the little things, and I was going to take care of myself, unlike those people so I probably wouldn't even feel bad.

meh. *spits on the ground* For once in my life I feel out of control of how I am. Deep deep -deeeep deep down- I noticed that I kinda felt like you got what you really wanted. I'm naturally of average height, have an eye color I'm satisfied with, average size feet. Body type that's ok, I have to stay on top of it but I'm naturally small. As a kid in school we had a boy classmate who was so small, always very short and just small and I remember catching myself saying "why didn't he want to be bigger bad enough?" I knew it was stupid, but some part of me had this "If you want it bad enough...." To back this theory up I SWEAR -no one remembers this- I had blue eyes like my dad but wanted green eyes like my mom. BAD. It was pretty big on my mind. I was about 5 then and made a mental note to look into colored contacts, and if they were not invented yet, then to invent them. Eventually, my eyes turned green. Not as green as my moms, they still look blue sometimes, but a definite switch. *So* you can't blame my forming mind for coming and holding to that conclusion. But now pregnancy has shown me it doesn't matter what you think you will have, expect or what you want, no matter how bad you want it, thus be grateful for all that stuff you like about yourself, you didn't get it by will power and you can't control hardly anything.